No, I'm not talking about myself.
I'm referring to my Halloween costume. Or lack thereof.
And, no, I'm not talking about one of those skimpy, pre-packaged, pirate wench gettups that consist of a fat quarter swath of strategically-placed skirting and a truncated, billowing tube for covering up one's brassiere (if such a garment of prudence is so chosen to be worn), and an eye patch. Or, perhaps the patch is supposed to be worn strategically, too.
It was supposed to be easy because mine is an anti-costume. That is, it's nothing elaborate and yet something that acknowledges with an eye roll this spooky, spectacular candy-grab...the advent of the candy-grab season, in fact, which will not conclude until next year when heads are bitten off chocolate bunnies everywhere. (I realize I'm risking the ire of PETCHA [People for the Ethical Treatment of CHocolate Animals], but I personally haven't bitten off a bunny head since I was, oh, ten. Maybe fourteen.)
Again, anyway. The package of t-shirt transfers claimed it would be easy. "Easy" is in the name of the product, for crying out loud, and in the name of the corresponding website which is meant to help me design a little somethin'-somethin' I could slap on the back of a black, zip-up hoodie I bought just for this occasion.
The website was, indeed, user-friendly. The design was accomplished and printed out and trimmed and peeled. The iron was drained of all water (NO STEAM ALLOWED) and was set to "cotton." A pillow case was placed between the garment and the hardwood TV-tray (ironing boards are strictly frowned upon by the directions). A layer of parchment paper acted as a shield to the design while the iron was then firmly applied for 20-second intervals all over. I did everything according to the directions.
The directions failed to mention that not only should one not use steam, one should not use a STEAM IRON! The vent holes left their marks everywhere. And the edges of the iron showed up like a dancing feet diagram from the days of vinyl records and skinny ties. It was ugly. And it had been very easy to do.
So I bucked the directions and tried again. I did everything the same until I came to the step of ironing the identical design on top of the first one. Instead of holding the iron in one position, I kinda kept it moving in its one spot, wiggling it back and forth. And I did that all over.
It didn't improve matters much, in the end. There were no vent holes and no iron silhouettes, but some of the color didn't adhere, as you can see. Maybe because it is a second layer. I don't know.
I had tried t-shirt transfers years ago, maybe a decade back. I had not been impressed with the results then, and I'm still not now. But I will wear this, anyway. It kinda looks weathered. Apropo for a mummy with a hair bow.